This was almost a year ago, when I left college driving at 30 on a road that was probably a 20. I had given my last exam, and last exams are like emotional to me. Every time I give one, I probably wanna travel the world before I get back to studying and the usual stuff.
However, I was sort of mind-empty as I drove, thinking of things I could do after getting back home, when a voice in my head goes, “It’d be nice to curate a college themed work(artwork)”. At first I thought of exploring new things like book of letters and what not. But the moment my feet were on the ground I understood how this thing could beat the last work in terms of being cringe.
But I pondered upon the thought, it occurred for a reason. I was writing but it wasn’t working. I didn’t wanna be stuck nowhere. So after a couple more cringe thoughts, I settled on writing about the present. It made sense because I was always writing about a past, a circumstance that refuses to leave your mind. It felt like I was finally ready to live my art, if that makes sense. That was my little artiste-awakening, making art is a process and it requires for you to live everyday instead of daydreaming about how you’d like for everything to be perfect and all that sort of stuff.
Well, this also allowed me to look at life from outside and not necessarily argue about how much better I’ve gotten at messing things up. I’ve developed more calmer reactions to everything that might not deserve calm reactions.
So as previously said in past issues, that was the time B-15 brewed and now it’s time to serve it to you. I have two poems I’d like for you to read before you read the entire book.
The first one is called ‘Blockbuster/44°4′2″N 121°18′13″W’, it’s fictional, but you know how fiction is- it’s hard to not put a part of yourself in there. This one is about two lovers who met at a blockbuster.
Wrote a few replies But never really to you Like letters to myself Never sent them through Summer of '19 Still holds my truth The places we'd hardly expect us to be at Is where we spent being April's brats Trying to last where nothing does At the blockbuster- down the Romance aisle Goth girls and friends down Mystery & Detective While we had no idea about what we were doing Still made living out of the life Shot scenes of us lying Hazel eyes And beautiful smiles From dusky light till midnights Time passed us by when we realized At the last aisle for the last sale There we were for the last time Last kiss, last touch, last letter Lost love, will it last Till the last Bend, Oregon Last blockbuster And if that's what's keeping our love alive Is that where next summer is screening? Will you wear your hair up like the last time? Hand me a cigar Only now I know what to do with it And will we know what to do with us?
And the second one I want you to read is called ‘Pyrrhic Victory’ which you can say, as of now, is a conversation with a voice in my head.
A step towards you Is a mile away from me So tell me I'm wiser At least I can stop lying Never have liked the living life And if I were to tell them the truth They wouldn't say I seem to be doing good The lies, they cover the wounds From the battlefield of the war of doubt I never stopped fighting and I don't think I can If I choose to step back You've got the sleight of hand But I can't choose to quit The battle turns against me And it gets quite quiet The silence blames onto me Things I thought I'd never be Is this my regression Or the story of my destruction? Or do I lose the war but still win the battle?
So I guess I conclude this issue with that. The two poems. And ideas that I thought were cringe in the beginning but only more time with them gave me the real reason why it came to at first. Look into your life a little bit more and it shall be fine. If cringe will stay, one’s insight about life would too. They cancel each other and from where we left off, we resume.
Sid x