Throughout the past month
Since I took the last semester exam,
I've been searching for my phone
A screen to bleed on,
A paper with words bled by a troubled heart
(that i lost).
I've been wanting to put something in this issue
That'd quite reflect upon where I'm at in life right now.
But also give you(& me) an insight of what I'm trying to achieve
With words, with life that I've got, with everything.
And every time somebody has tried to ask me about what I'm doing,
I've tried to pretend as if I'm not just another person trying to prove things to others
Or sometimes even to myself.
So lost
Hazy
Blind
But I am trying to prove my position here
Everyday. With every action. A part of growing up has me feeling totally scared and nervous about being discarded into a pile of people who are believed to be doing nothing.
Yup NOTHING AT ALL.
I'm scared of ending in a pile like that
Not that I believe what others call me
And not that I believe that there are people who do nothing.
Everybody is trying their best to do what they can
From where I am standing, that is exactly what I can see
But the pressure of people not trusting you or nonetheless believing in you, is enough to push me to the edge and being called other things may or may not have me in total shattered pieces.
But that's not on my mind anymore, I don't know if I blocked it out or just ignored..
I'm trying to get closer to the purpose I have
I'm trying to figure out when I stopped believing in myself
Trusting myself
So for this issue we take a walk in the early hours of the day-
10am
Sometimes 11..
12's too late though
Don't forget to wear a cap, glasses and sunscreen. LoL
Most of all it feels really cool to watch the seasons change. Noticing how which trees shed their leaves. What color the sky is. How the sun moves enough to let sunshine enter my house. It's a great feeling to transition from one season to another. Might as well represent my transition from one semester to another, one state of mind to the other, cold winters to summer, good to better.
So I've been stepping out in the morning sun- glaring through the trees- light komorebi. I stop and watch the shadows cover the light up. How the sunlight moves as the sun does, how shapes of spaces between the leaves changes as the sun does. Significant of the moments where you gotta pause and reflect upon changes and important decisions. Since the time I've signed up for the college course, I've been going on and on and on. But it's until recently I've come to realise how important it was for me to think much about it than blindly continuing to go where it's taking me. Trust me, I do like to have things in control- tight grip. but not tight enough to shatter it.
But a little reflection, a little account in your journal about everything is just okay, and just enough. Not too much. Not 'nothing at all'.
Anyways. So I've been stepping out to look at my day closely.. It's not my first time realising how being in the same room the entire day doesn't really help to look at your day closely. Infact I'm very much overlooking many things by the end of the day. But I can tell it's definitely not the last time.
By the time I've dealt with enough thoughts from my room- I'm on the crowded streets. My mind more or less empty. It's close to noon. Dense komorebi. That's my cue to leave.
But not necessarily yours. I'd encourage to take a step towards the streets you travel less.
While I'm back home. Not looking back very often.. just moving forward.
And those are scenes from exam times. I struggled man I really did.. I’ll tell you more about it some other time. Hehe
For now, we’re good. Until next time…
Sid x